January 2012
2 posts
I wouldn’t have taken his words so lightly if I had known I’d still be thinking of them seven years later.
December 2011
0 posts
it's easy to be ready for the future when you...
there’s something in this. there’s some reason i’ve ended up in every city i’ve wandered between in the past two years. if there’s not, if this is all up to happenstance and my spontaneity….well, i guess that’s okay. and maybe that’s all it is…maybe it’s my carelessness that has taught me so many things (and yet nothing at all since i...
November 2011
2 posts
beyond it all
i’m very much out of my element and wanting to peel off all of my bad parts just to start anew. but what if i like who i am?
i have no words for this feeling.
October 2011
1 post
waiting for the xanax to kick in
“just gone nine/and even the moon has been left behind by the night, so careless, looking like a stain of bleach/like a close-up photo of how my head is feeling”
it’s been [part of] one of my favorite quotes since i was sixteen and i don’t think it’s ever rang more true. i’m the asshole, as always, and yet i feel so let down. by everyone, really. but by...
August 2011
1 post
I’m on the outskirts of a storm that I belong in. The winds are picking up just enough to tease the part of me that wants to be blown away.
I’ve got too many things bottled up that I can’t find the words for at the moment. Ill find them tomorrow. Ill find them because I have to find them. I am lost without a kind ear. A nonobjective place to pour my heart in to. I am lost...
July 2011
1 post
clearing my head
It took a whole lot of time—and i fought it off as best i could—but one day i just let go of everything that i’ve been unable to. I stopped wondering how many ways i could fuck this up, how hurt i could get and whether or not my heart could take it, how much damage i could do to another person and i just gave in. i let him in and now i’m worried. i’m worried...
May 2011
3 posts
damned to a fault
it’s the unexpected sadness that hits the hardness. when you don’t know where it came from and you’re so unsure of what caused it. but this time i have an idea…or two. so it comes down to, am i sad because i’m really, truly, actually sad over something i can’t currently grasp at? or am i sad because i’m afraid to be happy?
feelings and forgeries
i’ve forgotten what it’s like to just let the words pour out of me. i’ve been so busy convincing myself that i’m no longer building walls around myself that they’ve built themselves without me knowing. i look here, to the last refuge of my writers side, and i find nothing but remnants of an ability to feel. no, not to feel….to feel with honesty. i’m no...
April 2011
2 posts
it’s simplicity in it’s most fine form. something i can hold onto at night without having to give it a title. but we can’t stay like this forever….not when my thoughts of togetherness are already holding onto future months. so what does it come down to? giving in? submitting myself exclusively to another person? but how can i do so when i can barely submit myself to...
fuck you tumblr for deleting this post.
this once sounded so much better. i’ll rework it again when i’m not so angry.
these feelings are not brand new. i’ve almost memorized this internal conflict by now. i suppose i’ve always been attracted to tragedy…i’m always chasing after things i know will not last. chasing after people i know will disappoint me. so why do i insist on following the...
March 2011
3 posts
i think back to the years i spent with him, calling it love. but now i’m not so sure i’ve ever truly loved anyone. and if i did, if that’s what i had….if that’s love, i don’t think i ever want to have it again.
i take it back. it’s time to pick up my feet and run.
i can feel my pulse—calm and steady and ready to quicken. i keep waiting to wake up from this deadlock cycle of reckless nights and feverdreams to find myself already gone. but my feet aren’t moving and my eyes are fixed on each day as it comes. that fear that i’ve been harboring for years, the fear of being content. of feeling like it’s okay to just stand...
January 2011
2 posts
i have to start writing again. real fucking soon.
December 2010
1 post
the epicness of 2010 [don't read this if you want...
1. successfully stalked [creeped out] ben taylor.
2. tried to flush a four loko can down the toilet of a hotel lobby bathroom in richmond, va. while blacked out at 10 pm. after drinking vodka & fanta in I95 traffic for 8 hours on the drive from dc.
3. fucked a friend in another friends’ teenaged sister’s bedroom while their parents were in the next room. [after...
November 2010
1 post
tugging on hair and shoulderblade bites and gasping for air under stifling sheets….it’s freeing and fun and better with strangers but i think i’m growing tired of the routine. i might finally be ready for more. i want someone to penetrate my bones. to feel someone under my skin instead of on top of it.
do i mean this? maybe not. maybe i’m just lost here.
October 2010
1 post
i split my time between work and wine.
August 2010
3 posts
memory is tripping me up these days
i still think of my infidelity as though it were something tragically romantic. i remember the first time i let myself give in. it was out of desperation. it was out of revenge. but it wasn’t planned…i had downed a bottle of wine—trying to forget that my boyfriend was in love with someone else—when the past called. ”i miss you” are the only words i remember...
Watchthis makes me so happy
ezra.
July 2010
3 posts
“looked hard for what we’d lost.
it was painful to admit it, but we...”
– mountain goats [the mess inside]
when does the progression stop? when does the violent unfolding of who i am become worth the destruction? will it ever?
i’ve got to promise myself to come back to this.
June 2010
6 posts
riches & wonders: hoarder of sentiment →
illegibly:
the complexity of the human connection is so great that it’s almost impossible to avoid fragmentation. while i may never understand even the most effortless wisps of the equation, i’m almost certain that the people who sink into my soul so comfortably are what makes me whole. what keeps me whole….
you are one of the most brilliant beings ive ever known fally, i mean that more than...
hoarder of sentiment
the complexity of the human connection is so great that it’s almost impossible to avoid fragmentation. while i may never understand even the most effortless wisps of the equation, i’m almost certain that the people who sink into my soul so comfortably are what makes me whole. what keeps me whole. it pulls apart my heart to think about those who have crashed into my life with such...
drunk writing is my new hobby [ramble on].
it’s supposed to be meaningful and it’s supposed to suggest love and i get that. i do…i get that. but the act is just so primal and raw….how are we supposed to keep it between two beings? and the idea of forever seems almost absurd to me. it’s so animalistic [i know, i’ve used these words before] that i just get so confused as to where the boundaries should...
my latest obsession has been wrestling with the idea of love. no, not in the overly poetic “what is love” or the hopelessly pathetic “i can’t wait to find my soulmate” sort of way. just the pure and simple notion of the whole goddamn act of being in love. we all think we deserve to be loved. like we’re entitled to it in some way. we’re raised to...
May 2010
6 posts
an unusual honesty
all too often, i find myself trying to force life. trying to force self-acceptance. instead of living, i make grand plans. instead of accepting, i loathe that i am not what i want to be. i am not who i want to be. there is so much restless passion built up inside of my being and i cannot find a suitable outlet. too much anxiety. too much nervousness. i sense that i am capable of doing...
“…there is a danger in too much knowledge. You have a passion for absolute...”
– Anais Nin—Henry and June [if i can’t find my own words, i am more than content to live inside of hers.]
i miss the smell of honeysuckle.
i beg my seventeen year old heart to let me be
it’s not fair of me to fawn and it’s not fair of me to love and it’s not fair of me to want the same from you. because i had that once. because i walked away from that already. because i used up all of my chances ages ago. if only i didn’t carry around regret like i deserve it, maybe i’d one day find the guts to tell you that i still feel. not that i’m sure...
“Their howls rose to the sky and twisted together until they were on, and the...”
– eggers
alone in my car. empty gas station parking lot. finale of the fireworks. horrible night vision with my glasses on. lights bouncing off of lights. colors blending. head bent out the open window. bliss.
April 2010
14 posts
who knows who cares: a look at emsie and fally's... →
E: Dr. Hunt! in love w the crazies
A: let’s patrol MUSC. please?
E: yes prease! haha next half drunk adventure. gimme a song.
A: world at large
A: gimme a snack
E: no ma’am. beach in 3 days.
A: **** digs our status change. i dig the idea of him
E: heheee! i gettin weedles soons! but fer now…
this makes me smile so, so big!!
oh denver, you’re coming so soon and i’m not quite sure i’m ready…but i know i need it. i know i want it. i know that even if it doesn’t bring good things…it’ll bring something. and that’s all i could ask for….just something new. just change. even if it’s momentary. an extended moment of not being sure where i am or what’s...
she looks rather perfect and he’s a complete stranger to me now and i hate this whole thing only because he was trembling the last few times we touched. i remember the feeling. in a sick way, i cannot forget how his hands were quivering as they ran down my back. he said it was simply the effect i had on him. before him and after him… i’ve never made anyone else tremble. and...
just for now, i’m throwing all of my well-wishes and high-hopes into a yellow sky because i’m losing ground faster than i can build myself a new platform to live on and it’s not easy. but no one said it would be easy to be alive at twenty-two. it’s supposed to be hard and mistakes are supposed to be made and you’re supposed to give pieces of yourself to others even...
all i need is a bitter song
seriously, how many times can one incredibly stupid, superficial and overly melodramatic medical series make me cry? because this is getting ridiculous. i’m starting to think that i’ve lost my control of my emotions. or tear ducts. or that i’m just in a bad place and i don’t even know it. let’s go with the tear ducts….everything else carries too much...
“subtract out the impact/ and the fall is all you get/ so it takes two beers to...”
– ani difranco
i promise to no longer just get by. i promise to take every moment of every day and enjoy the fact that i am simply living it. i promise to [continue to] make the most out of every awful situation that is thrown my way. i promise to do better. to make good things happen for more than just myself. i promise to go out of my way. i promise to follow through. i promise to give more of myself....
that’s all i really need. someone as scary and damaged as i am. does such a person exist?
